Stagestruck's blog

The Beginning

It was Oct 21 when I made that decision to head to see my Doc.  My groin area had felt like I had been kicked, a feeling that slowly came on about 2 weeks ago, went away and came back every now and then.  I was worried that it was a hernia, as I had one previously fixed (age 16) and sort of remember those sensations.  I went in, and Doc took a look.  The old drop your trousers and cough routine.  It didn't take him long to stand up and say that he would be right back.  He came back in sat down and said = that it was not a hernia, that if he were a betting man it would be something else.  I was sent over to FMH for a sonogram, and after being properly gelled up, was scanned accordingly.  I waited for the results and was told to head back over to my doctors office.  Once there, Doc explained that there was indeed something there and that he would refer me to a urologist that was NOT in Frederick County.  I was expecting Baltimore or even Montgomery, but when he said Hagerstown, I was like ok?  He said that the person he was sending me to was very good and that he sends all of his patients to him.  A Monday Appt was made for 9:15, and my weekend was set.

 The weekend was interesting.  A lot of thoughts, emotions played in my head, a lot of what-ifs.  I think it is more of the "unknown" that is most worriesome.  We had no facts, no evidence, just a bet.  It preoccupied me, but I refused to dwell and occupied my time with many activities.  It was good that I had Cinderella opening the next weekend so that I could concentrate on putting that show up.  I told only 4 people about it on Friday.  My Wife, my Principal, and 2  co-workers.  It was important for me to keep it quiet as I didn't want any unnecessary worrying.  The weekend played out and Monday rolled around.

Some Relief

Oct 26.  I had less than 3 days before Cinderella opened, so leaving my students to run through the show was very difficult.  There was so much to get done technically, that my worries were more on the show than anything else.  I hated having to get a substitute for the day but I had to do it.

Dr. H was absolutely great.  He was very short and to the point.  One of my observations so far has been that both my doctors only look at the here and now and don't forecast.  They want facts and will not rush to judge before they have them.  Dr. H is the same.  He took a look and did not doubt that the rt side was swollen, but he was thinking that this was more of an infection then anything else.  The sonogram showed something, but it was rather inconclusive.  He asked me about lifting and thought that maybe I got an infection from lifting heavy items without emptying my bladder.  A condition called epidymitis.  That combined with orchitis was the diagnosis, and a heavy dose of Levaquin for 15 days with rest, ice and ibuprohen.  A revisit in 2 weeks, a follow-up sonogram and a blood test were scheduled.  The next 2 weeks were full of research, and Cinderella and Harvey.

Monday Nov. 16, 2009

The last 3 weeks flew.  I actually forgot to schedule my sonogram and blood test until late last week.  I also started going back to my chiropractor (Dr. O) for regular adjustments as my back has been killing me.  

I arrived on Nov 16.  I had sonogram pictures in hand (which, yes I did try to read but nothing) and a pocketful of worry.  In Dr. Hs office I waited and when he came in, he asked me if it feels like it went down.  I said no.  After the customary grab and hold exam, Dr. H said that while he really had hoped it was inflammatory, that with the sonogram showing a mass and elevated tumor markers, it had to be something else.  He said that the Rt test. had to come out and that the would schedule the surgery to happen in short time.  I would also need another blood test, which I would go do immediately and a CT scan.  As best as he could he encouraged me not to worry and to not base anything until all the results have been put together.  I waited a few minutes and then went back to see the scheduler who schedule my appointment for Tuesday of next week.  My blood test would be performed immediately downstairs in the complex and my CT scan was scheduled for Wednesday.

On the way out, the receptionist said that I would be having my procedure done in the office, which I said, huh?  she said that they have a full functional operating room and that this is really routine.  It would take longer for me to prep and recover than to have the procedure.  I was surprised.  But I did have some answers allthough not clear, I knew that I had cancer and that I would be a cancer survivor come hell or high water.

In real time

Nov 19. 2009

So after a couple of days to decide on what direction to go and how to handle it, I have decided to keep a journal.  I went through a few other ones online and ultimately chose Typepad, mainly because of the Iphone app, its ability to post on Facebook and Twitter, and ease of use.  So far so good.  The last 3 Entries were all done today in an effort to catch you up on all that has happened in a relatively short time.  It is now real time and I will be journaling as things happen, at least I hope.  There are many reason why I feel like I need to journal, one mainly because I have family and friends all over the place that will kill me if I don't update them.  ALso, because of my students both alumn and current, for they will be very important in the following months and that as a theatre teacher Trust is the most important thing we teach in our classes, and I wouldn't want to betray their trust.  So it will be their (your) option to follow or not, but know that I will do my best to keep all of you updated.  And one of the most valuable things I have read when someone goes through this is the importance of a support group.  So if there are any other recovering/recovered Cancer carriers out there, I would love to hear from you.

My operation is less than 4 days, I haven't really told anyone yet, except for the 5 or 6 that really need to know.  I know my students will go nuts (no pun intended) if I didn't show up for 2 weeks, so I do plan on telling them some things and letting them find out through this channel the details if they wish.  I had my CT scan yesterday, and may I say the Barium has come along way, and that the banana flavor is actually very drinkable.  I asked for a copy of the CD pics to "take to Dr. H" and spent some time yesterday afternoon comparing them to examples I found on the net.  It all looks bad in there and I didn't see any of the things they had examples of, which I hope is good.  I have been spending a lot of time online researching things, and still maintain a hope that this is all just a serious plumbing issue and that it stays where it is. Of course every twitch, twinge, pain I feel anywhere else now is radiated exponentially, I am relatively at ease.  Of course, a main motto has always been what's meant to be is meant to be.  There is no use trying to understand something that you have absolutely no control over.  I have had some funk moments, like this morning where just a wave of emotion hit me on the way down to school.  It was that worse case scenario fantasy that overwhelmed me, and I suppose I will learn to deal.  The hardest part of all of this is the not knowing.  My CT and blood work has been done so they could at least call and say that its contained or that it is stage 3.  I don't care just freaking tell me what you do know.  

I visited the Livestrong website today and will definitely use it as a resource over the next few weeks.  I read some very frank things of what to expect over the next few months and some really bother me.  Losing my hair has always been a fear, not that I have much.  I guess I am more worried whether or not it will grow back and what about all those scars I have on it from splitting it open all those times as a kid.  They make this huge deal of taking care of your teeth and then making sure that you ask to make sure that all these other test are done before you begin any treatment.  Of course never thinking about a will, and then having to create one and a power of attorney and those other arrangements before the surgery makes you uneasy.  I think as long as Mary and I are on the same page before I go, will be enough for now.  My own kids don't know yet.  I really worry about telling them the truth right now.  We have had 3 friends who lost their battles with Cancer in a short time and I know that is the first thing they will think of.  I think about Freddie a lot now.  Fred is a college buddy who went in for back pains back in February of this year, and in less than 5 months, passed away.  He left behind a spitfire of a wife (just look at her work on Health reform) and 2 precious boys.  It was not his time, he had a great future ahead, but it was taken quickly.  I will not allow myself to enter the hospital only to leave to go home to Hospice.  You can't fight this lying down, and I won't be tied to ropes.  In my thoughts of Fred I draw his strength and will use it as we defeat it together.  

I have the Wedding Singer this spring that I WILL direct and a great possibility of doing Urinetown up closer to home.  I am looking forward to going all out with those shows.  I did have a one man performance of Jacob marley I was to do on Dec 11, but givin the timeline of events, I have no idea how I will be able to get through that show with the strength they say you won't have.  But that will be the only thing I miss.

I will enjoy this weekend, and will prepare my kids both family and students on Monday for the upcoming 2 weeks.  And I will face Tuesday ready to fight. I don't plan on updating until Tuesday unless something new comes in, and should it then I will be back.  Just hope that I will have an appetite for Thanksgiving! 

Giblets

Today was thanksgiving day.  It was also the our 15th wedding anniversary.  It is very difficult sometimes to remember that I have been married that long.  It goes by so fast.  So what did we do to celebrate this achievement?  You guessed it.  Watch me sleep and battle through some weird burning sensations. I do feel like I had a pretty good day today.  I ate some turkey not a lot but enough, and I actually sat in a chair for over 2 hours.  Of course most of that time was me sleeping but Ill take it.  I wasn't as sore and it was a different position then on my back.  

So I let some people in on the blog and have read some wonderful encouraging notes from many of you. Your words humble me, and where I wish I could find the right things to say back to you, I am just left speechless. My love for you is equal and will always be cherished.  Each of you have a special place and even though I may not have always showed it, words can do no justice to the power of friendship and the memories that never fade.

The Cowboys won today, (and the GMen lost, sorry Marc, Jake and Bill) which helped ease some pain.  It still takes me a good 45 minutes to go and come back from the bathroom.  I swear I must look like a flopping fish trying to worm my way out of bed.  Its been getting a little easier to get out of bed but it is still tougher than hell to get back in.  I didn't think there would be that much hurtin. I think the hilight of my day was having Ally crawl in my arms and watch the Macys parade.  Although I fell asleep a number of times, evident by her waking me up by pinching my nose so I would stop snoring, it was a solid 3 hours of father daughter time.  Priceless.

Thats all I got today.  I can only hope that I can do a bit more tomorrow, but we will see. One day at a time.  Besides its taken me 2 hours to write this post as I fall asleep for 5 -10 minutes then wake-up.  Crazy.  Below are some pix from our make shift thanksgiving in our room.  Too much.